This Year I Will...

I started reading a book called "This Year I Will... How to Finally Change a habit keep a Resolution, or make a dream come true..." A friend suggested it to me. Yes, it has all the same self-talk that you hear all about in every other self help book... So I'm not sure yet if the book is actually useful or if I'm actually now in a position to take the advice that i already know "so well" (sarcasm... because if i already knew the advice so well... i wouldn't be struggling with my weight and/or anxiety problems constantly.)

Anyway... I made a list so far of thoughts going through my head as I read the first few chapters.

When did I stop feeling pretty?

- Last summer. I was overweight, missing teeth, had no where to go (no job, few friends in the area, no car) no clothes that fit me and i became depressed.

What stops me from working towards my goals?

- My boyfriend's (good intention) lies. I'm beautiful. I'm sexy. I'm not fat. I dont have stretchmarks.... etc...

- My habit of being tired and overwhelmed all too easily.

- My habit of making excuses

- my habit of procrastination.

What do I desire? What do I love?

- I love feeling fit and self sufficent

- I love being happy and full of energy.

- I love feeling pretty. Just putting on an outfit and some make up and knowing and feeling that "Damn.. i look good!"

- I love me, my health and my well being.

- I love my boyfriend... and i miss my sex drive. We'd have less frustration a lot of the time if i'd just feel comfortable being naked and being intimate.

- I love jean skirts and fitted shirts... with flip flops and good summer music.


That list may seem out of order... But regardless of order.. I'm feeling really good. I'm optimistic. I'm sore from my new workout routine and i'm excited to go home after work to do day two of it.

I'm only 22... I still have lots of time to live my life to the fullest! i want to roam around on a beach in my bikini... I want to walk around naked in own house if that's what i so choose to do! I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.... and being overweight is a huge reason as to why i don't yet. I want to go swimming and not wear shirts and shorts over my bathing suit. I want to be me again.

D-Day

Today was D-Day. The start of Slim in 6. A friend introduced me to the program three years ago. I've done it here and there... but i have always come up with some new reason as to why i wasn't going to do it.

However, yesterday I played some softball... and loved it! I had such a great time and I had forgotten how much i missed not only playing the sport, but being athletic.

So today I made a decision. The decision that this is it. The cellulite, the stretch marks, the lack of sex drive, the avoidance of mirrors... All of it... I'm done.

This body is what I have made of it. Granted there were some down falls.... But I'm over that now. NOW is the time to start living again.

I would imagine

that reading this blog is quite boring. Especially since i have been failing epically. I have learned a few things, however, in the last few weeks:

1. a muffin from a local restaurant here is HALF of my daily points. I wish i figured that out BEFORE i ate it for breakfast.

2. French Fries, less surprisingly, are also half my points for the day. I wish i cared enough to look that up before i decided to eat those today too!

3. The yogurt that i like eating has absolutely no fiber in it..

4. Clothes, even the slightest shorts and tank tops, weight a lot more than one might imagine.


Anyway -- Yesterday was day zero. My boyfriend and I took pictures of each other, naked. We weighed ourselves. We measured multiple areas of our bodies, and then we made a spread sheet. Now, every Sunday we will continue to do the same thing. I currently weigh in at 172, and him at 180. We both have the same "chest" size. His being more about width of the chest and back, mine being actual breast size... but i think just figuring that out even made him more aware of what's going on in his own body.

However, after our vacation and our weekend home, it was really reassuring to know that he does still think i'm as sexy as ever, even though I think i'm gross. Saturday I got all dressed up to go out with some friends... and it was really nice to feel wanted. And I knew he wanted me all day long. --Well he told me, it wasn't that hard to figure out.

Today i just need to make sure I get a work out in. Yesterday we played softball and I worked up a sweat, and i was clearly working out some aspects of my body because i'm extremely tight and sore today... but i need a REAL work out. Or at least I need a harder one. So i can feel better about myself. And sweating. God, i hate sweating. haha

Anyway... now that my boyfriend is on board with this too... I feel a lot better.. Maybe we'll even go for a run tonight when the sun goes down.