Disappointment

I have to say I was overwhelmed by a feeling of disappointment today. I know that it has only been one week since I started taking this transformation thing seriously... And honestly, i know that I haven't tried as hard as I should... But when I stepped on the scale this morning and realized that i haven't lost anything... in fact, i have gained a pound... makes me feel really shitty. Hopeless i guess.

Yesterday i spent the day at a water park. I wore a bikini. I went with two of the skinniest girls i know. And I felt alright. I knew that there were going to be people there who looked great and others that looking awful (in my opinion). And I did learn a very valuable truth... we are all just human. This standard that I'm trying to set for myself... It's not unrealistic. But, I know that I have to be patient. Even if that is hard.

I feel really bad right now.. But maybe that's a good thing? I know all the crap i ate last week. I know that three oreos equal 4 pts. I know this. And that'll help me get to where I want to be. I just have to be patient. It's not going to happen over night. Unfortunately. :(

my journey towards transFIRMation

So yesterday was the "Cardio Party" day. Holy crap! It got me sweating in no time... but I seriously couldn't do the moves at all. I tried... but not probably not as hard as I could have because I got pretty frustrated. Today I'm going to do the "Hi-Def Express" workout and also the cardio express workout in hopes that I learn the moves better ... and to make up for being a whimp yesterday. I realize i should have just worked on my elliptical instead for the 40 minutes... but after 15 minutes of frustration and my mouth hurting from a recent trip to the dentist I was ready to call it quits.

I think today, when i get home from work i'm going to do the following:

- find the Firm video that I know and love for days that I don't want to do the cardio party.
- do a 20 minute warm up on the ellipitcal (since i didn't do it this morning)
- Hi-Def Express
- Cardio Express

Get me feeling like i'm doing something. Plus, it'll get me ready for tomorrow's beach outting. not that I'm ready to be in a bikini by any means... but maybe it'll tighten some of the jigglies. Here's to hoping anyway!

Also, yesterday I did very well with eating a balanced day's worth of food. Maybe it helped that I could hardly chew anything... but i was proud of myself and can't wait for Sunday to do the measurements and weighing... just to see if there is even a slight change! --Though i'm not going to be discouarged if there isn't a physical change yet. Losing weight is almost more about the mental than it is the physical... and I'm feeling pretty good and motivated mentally! So that will result in great physical changes!

i did it! i did it!

Day one down!

My boyfriend put together my new elliptical last night! Day-ummm that thing is hard! I wasn't expecting to it be... But i guess i'll go in chornological order first.

Okay, after my boyfriend put together my elliptical I knew that I wanted to do the first day of my transFIRMation (i can't get over the corniness of that name!) So i opted to do the firm that night and the elliptical in the morning.

So last night was my first night of the transFIRMation. I did the 45 minute Hi-Def Sculpting workout without weights. The only thing i didn't do last night was one of the abs segments. It was a really good workout without making you feel like you just died inside. Tonight is the "Cardio Party" but I have to figure out when I'm going to do it since I committed myself to going to a picnic after work today. Not the point... the point is i'm excited!! wahoo!!

This morning I woke up at about 630 and did 10 minutes on the elliptical. Now, like I was saying, that thing is HARD! The resistance is actually really tough! The sad part is... It's clearly not gym quality... which means I feel a little like i'm too heavy for it. I know I'm not... But it's just not as strudy as the ones at the gym (but that's to be expected...) I need to work out the kinks and figure out what all the buttons mean... but other than that, doing 10 minutes was a definite challenge! I'm really impressed.

Afterwards I ate BREAKFAST!!! -- I've been trying to train myself to eat breakfast more frequently since I'll need to do that once school starts up again (plus, it's just healthy.) And now I'm full. And I'm interested to see how long until i'm hungry again... Like, lunch hungry. But I have my blueberries to snack on, so I should be fine.

I am, however, extremely tired. The morning workout did give me a little extra boost of energy, but it really didn't last too long. Now it's an hour into my work shift and all i can think about is a nap! Not to mention even before working out this week I've been taking 2 -3 hour naps every day. Hopefully this boost of energy that working out is supposed to give you will kick in sooner rather than later... I need it.

So the Firm also has this guarentee that you'll see results by the 10th work out... The truth is, I believe them. And that belief is making my motivation go up! In my planner I have written each workout for the day and how many days away from "results" i am. Currently I am 11 days away including the resting days! 11 days! That's very exciting!

Another thing that I like about the Firm is that these girls are not stick thin. Some of them still have super thick thighs. Some of them have really round butts. So that makes me believe that they are normal... and not gimicky. Which is nice and reliable. The girl that did last night's workout however, messed up quite a few times by directing us to do things via her voice which contradicted her actions. But, that's not a terribly big deal. Oh well. And my back is tight, but not like i can't/refuse to move ever again. So i'm good!

So that's what i've got. I've got an elliptical workout going on in the morning. And I've got a Firm workout going on most nights. Plus I'm doing the points again. Which I think is working out great! I'm realizing how much I eat and things like peanut butter and jelly that seems harmless really is actually about 13 points! Only using 24 points a day, that's over half my allotted points!

So yay!

177

That's it. I went to a club this weekend and got so tired from swinging my fat around that we didn't even actually make it to the main club. I got home and I just felt so fat.

Today my elliptical has arrived and yesterday I received my The Firm "TransFIRMation". I really enjoy the sculpting video I already own... but this is a whole package with a five week plan to get you started. Tonight I start. And tomorrow I'll start my morning energy boosts of doing the elliptical before work/class.

I'm really excited for all of this! Like, I WANT to work out. I want to see results... but I'm finally willing to actually do something about it! I've had my moment of disgust. I need to get over that hump. that second day hump where i'm too tired or i'm in too much pain. I need to envision myself in my jeans without stomach bulge. I need to envision my athletic legs and arms again. I need to want it.

Weak Desires Yield Weak Results.

This is my time. This is my time to show the world who i am again.

*Disclaimer: I understand that I'm complaining about a weight that some of you whom I follow here on blogger would be okay with. I want you to know that I understand the struggle of losing weight. At 5'3'' 177 is boardering obsesity. I used to be an athletic 122 lbs build. That's healthy for me. Good luck with your journey! As i hope you wish me well on mine :)

STOP IT! ... or start it... which ever way you want to look at it.

STOMACH FAT IS NOT HEALTHY STOMACH FAT IS NOT HEALTHY STOMACH FAT IS NOT HEALTHY.

I need to keep telling myself that apparently. I don't know what else it'll take to get it through to me that OCCASSIONALLY eating well/moderate doesn't make me LOSE WEIGHT. Maintaining weight is great too... Just not when you have about 40 lbs to lose!

Today i will go home, work out. Wait until the BF gets home, order the eliptical and get the elipitical by next week so that i seriously have NO MORE FREAKIN EXCUSES!!!

I have been feeling vertigo-ish lately. But i think that if i go home, take my medicine and then work out after relaxing for a little while, i'll feel fine. I hope.

You will never have time unless you make it. Right now I've got to make it.

This Year I Will...

I started reading a book called "This Year I Will... How to Finally Change a habit keep a Resolution, or make a dream come true..." A friend suggested it to me. Yes, it has all the same self-talk that you hear all about in every other self help book... So I'm not sure yet if the book is actually useful or if I'm actually now in a position to take the advice that i already know "so well" (sarcasm... because if i already knew the advice so well... i wouldn't be struggling with my weight and/or anxiety problems constantly.)

Anyway... I made a list so far of thoughts going through my head as I read the first few chapters.

When did I stop feeling pretty?

- Last summer. I was overweight, missing teeth, had no where to go (no job, few friends in the area, no car) no clothes that fit me and i became depressed.

What stops me from working towards my goals?

- My boyfriend's (good intention) lies. I'm beautiful. I'm sexy. I'm not fat. I dont have stretchmarks.... etc...

- My habit of being tired and overwhelmed all too easily.

- My habit of making excuses

- my habit of procrastination.

What do I desire? What do I love?

- I love feeling fit and self sufficent

- I love being happy and full of energy.

- I love feeling pretty. Just putting on an outfit and some make up and knowing and feeling that "Damn.. i look good!"

- I love me, my health and my well being.

- I love my boyfriend... and i miss my sex drive. We'd have less frustration a lot of the time if i'd just feel comfortable being naked and being intimate.

- I love jean skirts and fitted shirts... with flip flops and good summer music.


That list may seem out of order... But regardless of order.. I'm feeling really good. I'm optimistic. I'm sore from my new workout routine and i'm excited to go home after work to do day two of it.

I'm only 22... I still have lots of time to live my life to the fullest! i want to roam around on a beach in my bikini... I want to walk around naked in own house if that's what i so choose to do! I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.... and being overweight is a huge reason as to why i don't yet. I want to go swimming and not wear shirts and shorts over my bathing suit. I want to be me again.

D-Day

Today was D-Day. The start of Slim in 6. A friend introduced me to the program three years ago. I've done it here and there... but i have always come up with some new reason as to why i wasn't going to do it.

However, yesterday I played some softball... and loved it! I had such a great time and I had forgotten how much i missed not only playing the sport, but being athletic.

So today I made a decision. The decision that this is it. The cellulite, the stretch marks, the lack of sex drive, the avoidance of mirrors... All of it... I'm done.

This body is what I have made of it. Granted there were some down falls.... But I'm over that now. NOW is the time to start living again.